The Truth Is Often Stranger Than Fiction

I don't think any one knows this, but I still can hear him say it in my head, "I don't want to die". Those were some of the last words I heard my father say before I said goodbye to go home and he told me he loved me. I will never forget those words or the days that follow until I found out I lost my best friend. One thing I want to make clear is that I do not dwell on this day, it is just a day that one can not ignore, even if they try with all their might. My body knows when this day is coming, I can feel it in my reactions and in my feelings. I can feel it in my heart, my smile, and my eyes. This time of year is full of so much grief and hurt and I am no longer a fan of the spring. Have I grown as a person, yes. Have I learned to move on, yes. But no matter how much someone grows and moves on, it is always there, it is always part of them. Every day when I look into the mirror I see my father. I see his eyes, his hair, his teeth. I hear his laugh, I hear his voice. I know that he loved me with all his heart, I know he didn't want to leave us. So it is hard not to have some kind of grudge towards God. Why did he have to take such a young father who still had so much to live for? Don't get me wrong, I love my family now. I love my step-father and my step-sisters and I have the greatest nieces a girl could ever have. But if I had to choose between the two lives and families, I would choose to have my dad back in a split second. There is no one that will ever love me as much as he did. To think that today, April 11 2010, makes is 12 years that I had him and 12 years I am without him is dumbfounding. To be gone of someone who is so much still apart of me. I just wonder what my life were to be life if he was still here. What things would have changed, what things would have stayed the same. And I think they hardest part is that there is no one I am more like than him. The scary part is that from the day I found he was gone till somewhere mid fall, those 6 months are a blur. The only thing I can really remember is discovering *N Sync, 5 guys who I consider my saviors and my strength as scary as that sounds. There is still so much I want to say, but for now my heart is weak and my eyes achy from writing and thinking about it. But there is one thing that my daddy will always know, and that is that I love him. And because you never know when you may loose someone, I make sure to tell those I love that I do love them as much as possible. You never know when  you last "goodbye" and "I love you" is truly the last.